


when you break (it's too late for you to fall apart)

by Swiftly



Series: the way she shows me i'm hers and she's mine [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Laf is briefly mentioned, but then it's just hollstein being angsty, its a rollercoaster tbh, then angsty again, then sappy, then sappy on last time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6684133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swiftly/pseuds/Swiftly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura was tired: tired of fighting, of losing her friends, of having to shoulder the blame for every bad thing that happened in this school. </p><p>But mostly, she was tired of staying away from Carmilla. And right now that was something she could actually confront, one way or another.</p><p>A fic where Laura and Carmilla have that talk. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you break (it's too late for you to fall apart)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm assuming Season Zero never happened. Wishful thinking?

Laura shivered. It was a strange kind of cold in the library, a damp and chilling thing that numbed the tips of her fingers and made her lungs hurt if she breathed too deeply. Even now, huddled in blankets and lying next to a bookshelf to cut out the draft, she could feel it. Lafontaine's breath was rising in small plume on the other side of the room as they tapped away at a monitor. She didn't know where Carmilla was.

Her chest twinged. Carmilla.

Carmilla, who had stayed by her side for days before she had managed to coax her out of her catatonia. Carmilla, who had stroked her hair and brought her chocolate and most of all, had forgiven her. Just the thought of those brown eyes, filled with concern after so many weeks of apathy made Laura want to cry again.

(Of course, it was more than concern. Laura knew what it really was. She felt the same thing every time she woke up shaking in the middle of the night, only to have soft hands rest lightly on her back until she calmed down. She just couldn't bring herself to say the words.)

If Carmilla wasn't here, then that meant she was out in the stacks somewhere. She had taken to wandering now that Laura had the spoons to visit the vending machine herself, browsing the shelves and generally exploring. Sometimes, she would come back to their little camp with some obscure German philosophy book a foot thick. Other times, she would come back empty handed, and brood for a while instead. She didn't talk much. After their initial conversation, Laura and Carmilla didn't really exchange much more than a handful of sentences a day, enough to make sure the other was okay, and then silence. Laura didn't mind; she understood that Carmilla had her own healing to do, and needed her space to do it in. But it didn't stop her heart from breaking every time she saw half dried tear tracks on that sharp, beautiful face, and found that she was unable to do anything but briefly squeeze her arm. Anything more made her head spin with memories she was trying hard to shake.

It was the thought of Carmilla crying, alone among the shelves, that stirred her to action. Slowly, limbs stiff with cold and fatigue, Laura raised herself until she was standing, blankets hung over her shoulders like a cloak. As she walked silently away from Laf, she hugged the blankets tighter around herself, feeling more like a child than ever as they dragged behind her in a long train. It was dark away from the glowing lamp and computer screen of their makeshift base, with barely enough light to see, but she pushed on. Laura was tired: tired of fighting, of losing her friends, of having to shoulder the blame for every bad thing that happened in this school. But mostly, she was tired of staying away from Carmilla. And right now that was something she could actually confront, one way or another.

It didn't take long to find her. Laura had hedged her bets by going straight to the Philosophy and Religion aisle, a section filled with as many boxes labelled as being saintly body parts as it was with actual books. It was maybe a five-minute walk in all, although the library had a pretty unorthodox relationship with things like time. And space. And matter.

As Laura turned a corner, she saw her, outlined faintly by the lantern she had brought.

God, she was _breathtaking_. It just wasn't _fair_.

Laura stopped for a moment, taking the time to appreciate the soft dark hair that fell into Carmilla's face as she read, making her look so young and vulnerable. The way her lips parted slightly, how warm and inviting they looked in the lamplight... But that was a dangerous path. Laura shivered again, and this time it wasn't entirely because of the cold.

"Were you planning on saying something, cutie, or just admiring the view?"

Laura rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the smile that tugged the corners of her mouth. It felt almost foreign. Of course, if anyone could make her smile in a situation as dire as this one, it would be Carmilla. It was easy to be happy with her.

"It's kinda hard to admire anything when I can barely see. If only somebody hadn't taken the only lantern to enable her Goethe addiction..."

"Let me know when you find out who did it," Carmilla said, straight-faced. "I'll kick their ass for you."

Laura laughed, the sound echoing too loudly down the shelves. Carmilla's eyes flickered to her, looking surprised for a fraction of a second before returning to her book, the faintest hint of a smirk beginning to form. This was familiar. The easy banter was safe.

"I don't know," Laura teased, "rumour has it she's kind of a badass- wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself."

Carmilla huffed. "Please. As if I'm ever anything less than terrifying."

For a girl who was currently huddled into a ball, back against a shelf and her nose in a book, this was a questionable statement.

Laura laughed again, more softly this time, and took half a step forward before freezing awkwardly. She still wasn't entirely sure of the boundaries in place, of the invisible lines drawn between their hearts as well as piercing through them. Carmilla must have noticed, because after a single heavy-hanging moment, she shifted over slightly, and patted the space next to her.

"Might as well share those blankets if you're gonna stick around." She said gruffly. Laura sank onto the floor next to her embarrassingly quickly. She shuffled as close as she dared, leaving only a couple of burning inches between them, a gap itching to be closed. With some difficulty, she kept her hands to herself.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Carmilla reading her book and Laura simply sitting, allowing herself to enjoy the particular kind of peace that came with being next to Carmilla. There was nothing else quite like it. She would have stayed there forever, if she could have. Slowly her brain, which had whirred on relentlessly for weeks even when she had been sitting unresponsively, began to shut down. A pleasant glow seemed to overtake her, a gentle quiet that was unfamiliar to a spitfire journalism student, but certainly not unwelcome. It didn't seem so cold any more.

She was broken from her reverie when Carmilla yawned beside her. It was accompanied by a large, almost theatrical stretch, the vampire's arms reaching far above her head before slowly being brought back down.

Laura felt one rest lightly around her shoulders, and bit her lip hard to stop her grin.

Abruptly, she was tugged over, the last inches of space between them disappearing as she was suddenly pressed into Carmilla's side, her head resting neatly on Carmilla's shoulder. Laura stopped trying to hide the enormous smile on her face. As she relaxed further into the embrace, she couldn't remember ever being so comfortable.

(She could, but the memory involved far fewer clothes and far more four-poster bed. Also sunlight, trickling in and making Carmilla's skin practically glow as Laura's fingers trailed patterns on the vampire's biceps. Technically, technically, she had been more comfortable then.)

"I wasn't kidding about sharing those blankets, y'know."

Laura snorted, but threw the edges of the blanket over Carmilla's lap, before smoothing them down and all but tucking her in. Nope, definitely not cold any more. Definitely.

They returned once more to their comfortable silence. Laura's eyes began to droop, but she forced them back open, unwilling to miss even a second of... whatever this was. The feeling of Carmilla's arm, the sound of her light breathing, the smell of her leather jacket, all of these things were just too good to miss out on. She sank deeper into Carmilla's side, and without thinking, turned to nuzzle affectionately into her neck.

Carmilla stiffened. Laura froze, brain racing to catch up with what she had done, and jerked back almost immediately.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. You were just so warm and it's so cold here, and I know that we probably can't do this any more but I just thought that since we had kinda gotten onto better terms, that maybe you wouldn't mind if I-"

"You're rambling, cupcake."

Laura swallowed down the rest of her panicked speech. Carmilla, for the most part, seemed unfazed after her initial surprise, and had returned to reading. Laura thought that maybe if she just stayed quiet, she could tuck herself back into the crook of Carmilla's neck and ignore the outburst, never to talk about it again...

But of course, "not talking about things" hadn't exactly proven beneficial in the past, especially when it came to Carmilla. Time to girl the hell up, it seemed.

"Can we?"

Carmilla hadn't looked up from her book. "Can we what?"

"Can we do things like that." Laura clarified. Her hands were clenched into fists on her lap, her eyes cast downwards as she stared intently at the faded patterning on the blankets.

The older girl sighed, gently placing a hair band between the pages of the book to mark her place. For the first time in the dim light, Laura noticed how weary she looked.

"Whatever you need, Laura. You know that."

Ouch. That was a low blow. Laura flinched involuntarily at the choice of words, the far happier memories now tainted with knowledge of what she knew came after. She swallowed thickly.

"Carm... that's not fair."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Laura ran her fingers angrily through her hair. "that it isn't fair. Not for me, not for you... God, Carm, I need you to _talk to me_. Please."

Carmilla smiled, but it was bitter and made Laura's heart ache. "I thought we were talking."

"You know what I mean," Laura was blinking hard, desperate to not let a single tear drop from her eyes. "Carm, you promised. You said, if we survived..."

She left the sentence dangling in the air, waiting for some kind of response. When she risked a peek at Carmilla's face, the girl's jaw was clenched tight, her eyes trained straight forward into the darkness. If Laura hadn't spent so much time memorising the way her face moved, every expression and tic, she would thought Carmilla was completely apathetic and maybe even a little mad. As it was, she saw through the carefully constructed walls. Her suspicions were confirmed when Carmilla swallowed heavily, her eyes fluttering shut for a moment before she spoke.

"Fine. You want to talk, let's talk."

Laura released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding.

"Thank you." She whispered.

Carmilla shrugged. "Yeah, well."

There was an awkward silence where neither of the knew who should speak first. Laura fidgeted, waiting, but when it seemed like Carmilla was content to wait this one out, she began.

"I... I think the most important thing is to say that I'm sorry. So, so sorry. For everything. For pushing you, for ignoring you, for being a stupid provincial girl-"

"Don't say that." Carmilla murmured. "I told you, we all played a part in this."

Slowly, she placed a hand over Laura's, squeezing gently. It made Laura's breath stutter in her chest, but she squeezed back.

"But Carm, it's true. I hurt you so bad, and I can see that now. I just... I had this picture in my head, y'know? Of the way things were going to go, of the way we were going to go, and I never even asked you if..." Here Laura paused, licking her lips and tilting her head back as though gravity would spare her the humiliation of tears falling. As usual, the universe didn't much care for what she wanted.

"Even if you don't want me any more, I want you to know that I never stopped wanting you. Not even for a moment. And... well. You're my hero, Carm." Laura's heart jumped when she saw the pained look flash across Carmilla's face. "No, not like that! I'm not...expecting... any knight-in-shiny-armour crap from you. Of course you're my hero when you do that stuff, but it's when you're bringing me cookies too, or when we were running through the mountains and you gave me a piggyback. Hell, you're my hero when you're snarking at my friends and yelling at them to leave us alone. It's... it's just you. That's all I ever really wanted. Just you and... whatever comes with that, I guess."

Carmilla's eyes were burning into hers, a wildness trapped inside them. Laura could feel the slight tremble in the vampire's hand as it squeezed hers to the point of pain. She licked her lips nervously, and waited for Carmilla respond.

Finally, she did.

"Laura, you know that I'm a monster." Carmilla spoke so quietly that Laura barely heard it. The younger girl smiled sadly.

"I think maybe that doesn't mean the same thing to everyone."

Carmilla swallowed, her eyes closing for a moment. Her entire body trembled now, suppressed emotion bubbling to the surface. Despite this, she seemed frozen, unable to move or speak past the tremors rippling through her.

Laura steeled herself, and made a decision. Slowly, so as not to startle her, she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Carmilla's cheek. She heard her take another sharp breath. Laura lingered for a moment, long enough to whisper into her ear.

"You said I was yours." Carmilla's hair was tickling the side of Laura's face. "You said it, and you were right. I know I should hate the possessive vampire crap but... I'm yours, for as long as you'll have me. And for as long as you want to be, _you're mine_..."

Suddenly strong hands were cupping her face, moving her until she was inches away from Carmilla's face with no choice but to look into her wide eyes. Tears rolled from them . The last time she had looked this vulnerable, she had been sat several feet away, asking if Laura missed her in a voice that betrayed how young she truly was, how young she would always be.

Before Laura could speak again, there were lips pressed hard against hers.

It was a messy kiss, a desperate one. A kiss that tasted like salt and felt like it was going to bruise her lips and scorch her tongue. She twisted her hands into Carmilla's hair anyway, drawing her impossibly closer, and hung on for dear life. Carmilla groaned when fingernails scraped against her scalp, and nipped at Laura's bottom lip before soothing it with her tongue. Laura whimpered. Any semblance of rational thought had flown out of her head, and all that was left was Carmilla, Carmilla, Carmilla.

She had forgotten what it meant to be cold. She was sweltering. There was heat in her cheeks and her chest, roiling in the pit of her stomach. _God_ , she had missed this. Whenever Carmilla had gotten too close in that luxurious apartment, reeking of blood and alcohol, this was all she had been able to think about. Even filled with anger and resentment, she had been unable to deny that Carmilla was a fantastic kisser. This kiss was no exception. It was all consuming, like being pulled under by a current and drowning in the best possible way.

Laura couldn't get enough.

Almost frantic now, she pushed forwards until she straddled Carmilla's lap, blankets cast aside, and used her new position to press harder against the girl beneath her. A low groan rumbled from somewhere in the vampire's chest as their bodies fit perfectly together, and hands slipped down until they were clutching Laura's hips, bringing them tighter to Carmilla's.

Laura whimpered. Oh God, it was all suddenly too much. The taste of Carmilla in her mouth, the feel of her hands inching dangerously lower... and then Carmilla pushed her hips up impatiently and the friction was just right...

"Oh God." Laura whimpered, her head falling back as Carmilla continued peppering kisses down her throat. She ground down to meet her, and the other girl must have taken her by surprise because teeth scraped harshly against the place where her neck met her shoulder. Laura gasped, eyes snapping open.

Carmilla stilled momentarily, leaning back to look Laura in the eye. Her dark hair was wilder than normal, which was undoubtedly the fault of Laura's greedy hands, and her lips looked almost swollen, which was also Laura's fault. It was perhaps the only thing Laura was happy to be guilty of, making Carmilla look like this: dishevelled and breathless and oh so needy.

"Can I... do you want me to..." The words seemed to be unable to make their way through Carmilla's panting. Her meaning was clear, though. Another barrier came down.

Slowly, Laura moved her hair to one side, allowing easier access to her neck. She didn't miss the way Carmilla's pupils dilated even further, almost swallowing the irises around them, or the slight dimpling of her bottom lip where her fangs had begun to peek out. It sent another twist through Laura's stomach. She knew what to expect, by now. She knew how this was going to feel. She knew what this was going to do to her, and it made her _ache_ in anticipation.

Carmilla's lips were back on her throat, and Laura didn't even attempt to conceal her groan. Weeks of separation had left her starved of Carmilla's touch, making every sensation so much more intense.She felt Carmilla smile against her neck as she whispered-

"You're going to have to be quiet if you don't want the mad scientist to come looking for us."

Laura nodded frantically, pushing Carmilla's head back down to her neck. When Carmilla resumed her previous ministrations, she whimpered, and pressed a hand over her mouth to try and stifle it. She was grinding shamelessly onto Carmilla's lap by now, knowing that it was nowhere near enough. She needed more.

Carmilla's teeth began to tease her neck again. Laura fisted her hand in the older girl's hair, silently begging, and when Carmilla finally bit down she let out a muffled cry. Her legs squeezed the other girl tight in between them as searing heat flooded her body. Carmilla began to lap and suck at the wound on her neck, one hand leaving Laura's hips to twist in her hair and pull her head to the side to give her more access. It felt as if Laura's veins had been filled with lightning, an electric pleasure that made every muscle tighten, and always channelling down, down, down...

A low vibration was travelling from somewhere deep in Carmilla's throat, a purring noise of satisfaction that Laura would have made fun of in any other situation. As it was, she savoured the way it felt against her skin, and bit down on her own fist to muffle the string of noises she herself was making. It was all she could do not to throw the vampire to the floor and take what she needed there and then, even if that meant tearing of her jeans and riding the older girl's thigh until she came.

The image, along with the delicious sensation of Carmilla feeding, made Laura sob with pleasure.

When Carmilla pulled away, despite Laura's tight grip, she looked disoriented. Her eyes were glazed, a high blush was on her cheeks, and a single drop of red slowly made a path down to her chin. Laura knew that shouldn't look as good as it did.

It still looked pretty fucking good.

They kissed again, and this time the kiss tasted of iron rather than salt. Laura whined when Carmilla's fingers skated across the waistband of her jeans, just testing, seeing if she would meet any resistance.

"Oh God, Carm, please-"

Laura's sentence was cut off by a loud moan when her pants' button was undone roughly, and Carmilla's fingers pushed past damp cotton to slide through the wet heat it covered. Laura could feel Carmilla's smirk as her lips pressed to her cheek, but she couldn't bring herself to care about how smug the vampire was. All she could focus on was the firm pressure being applied to her clit, the feeling of Carmilla's fingers spreading her open within the confines of her jeans... When two of those fingers entered her suddenly, she sobbed again, this time in relief. She would never, ever get tired of the feeling of Carmilla filling her.

It had been so long. Too long. Laura knew that she wasn't going to last, but she just couldn't pace herself when Carmilla was making her feel like this.

So instead, she rode Carmilla's hand desperately, her own hand clamped over her mouth as she cried out. Carmilla kissed paths along her cheek and jaw, mouthing up to her ear to take the earlobe between her teeth. Laura shuddered. She could feel the familiar build up already, the coiling of muscles tightening far too soon.

Carmilla kissed her temple, and twisted her hand in the tight space so that her palm rubbed against Laura's clit. After a few moments of the vampire whispering _good girl, good girl, just like that_ , Laura was falling apart on top of her.

Laura's hand wasn't enough to stifle her scream. So instead, she bit down on Carmilla's shoulder, squeezing her eyes tight shut as she rode out the orgasm rippling through her body. Her hips rutted a few more times into Carmilla's hand before she let the gentle stroking of the girl's fingers bring her down. When she finally relaxed, a thin sheen of sweat covered her body, and she collapsed into a boneless heap in Carmilla's lap. 

She whined quietly when the fingers inside of her pulled out, but accepted them again gladly when Carmilla pressed them to her lips instead, cleaning them with her tongue while the older girl watched with lips parted, her brows furrowed in concentration.

When Laura was finished, she leaned into Carmilla's hands, which cupped her face while she caught her breath, her eyes closed. Carmilla started kissing her again. Small kisses, chaste kisses, pressed to her cheek and her forehead, and once on the tip of her nose to make her giggle. Laura felt drunk from them, the way they made her feel like she was made of glass, or some precious stone. Yes, it was true that she had missed the sex, but she had also missed the gentleness with which Carmilla always held her, the care she took to make sure that every single movement made Laura shiver with happiness. 

The heady sensation of such adoration seemed to remove all filters between her brain and her mouth.

"I love you." Laura sighed happily.

The kisses stopped. The hands dropped from her face. Laura's first instinct was to protest, but when she realised what she had said she remained silent instead. She felt strangely calm. It seemed so simple now that she had finally said it out loud. Of course she loved Carmilla. It was the simplest thing in the world.

Carmilla was still not kissing her. Laura opened her eyes. 

The vampire looked petrified. "Don't." She croaked. "Don't.. don't say that. Not if you don't mean it."

Laura frowned, the happy fog that had occupied her brain beginning to lift. "Who says I don't mean it?"

Carmilla clenched her jaw, but when she spoke her words were soft. "You don't have to say it. Not just because I did. I don't want you to feel like-"

"Carm, I know I don't have to. I want to. I want you to know that-"

"-pressured because I know that I hurt you too, and I -"

" _Carm_."

Carmilla took a deep breath, halting the stream of words that was tumbling out of her mouth. She looked at Laura as though she was searching for reassurance, licking her lips nervously. Laura found it endearing that it was this that made her nervous, despite having had her fingers inside of her not five minutes ago.

Laura brought her hands up to Carmilla's face, stroking those sharp cheekbones gently with her thumbs. Carmilla swallowed, blinked a few times, and finally nodded her head.

"Okay."

Laura grinned. "Okay?"

The grin was returned, shyly, but quickly morphed into Carmilla's usual cocky smirk. "Yes, cupcake, okay. What, you want me to start soliloquising now?"

Laura smacked her arm lightly. "You're such an asshole!" She laughed.

"Yeah, but that's why you love me."

Laura's grin got even wider, and she wrapped her arms around Carmilla's neck, burying her face into the side of the vampire's neck as slim arms encircled her waist in return.

Laura's muffled "It's true." was almost inaudible.

Carmilla heard her, though, and held her tighter.


End file.
